Decisions, decisions

One of the hardest things for me to do is make a decision. 

Since I was a child, I’ve always struggled with decisions big and small. It took me forever to decide what to order at a restaurant—as if whether to have macaroni and cheese or pasta with marinara was a life or death decision. I waited until April 30 to make my choice for undergrad, as the check was due May 1. (Arguably this was a bigger decision, but I had agonized for months over that one and still it came down to the wire.)

Friends and family would try to help. What do YOU want? they would ask. But I didn’t know. If I could feel what I wanted, and discern that from what others wanted, I would be able to make a decision. But I couldn’t. 

Often, I was trying to please someone else. Or, I was paralyzingly afraid of making a mistake, so it was easier to do what others said.

I have a friend who, during undergrad, made it his mission to help me with decisions. Baby steps, he said. So he would make me decide what flavor ice cream I wanted in a time limit, or force me to choose if I wanted to go out or rent a movie. 

Practicing decisions helped, but I think it was when I went abroad to Argentina and I spent so much time with myself and my own thoughts that I learned to hear my own voice. I learned to hear what I want. Following that voice is another story, but for the first time in my life I felt like I possessed that “gut” everyone was always telling me to listen to.

This past week, a few decisions came up.

Monday night. I was exhausted from yet another weekend away. (Fun, but draining.) I was beginning to lose the fight against the tired and I had woken up with a scratchy throat in the morning. My friend had invited me to join him and his friends at the HBO Bryant Park Film Festival to watch All About Eve (Indiana Jones is their final movie of the summer if you want to catch it today, August 20). 

I had gone to the film festival last year. It’s super fun if you’ve never been (which is why it made the summer bucket list even though I’ve been before). New Yorkers pack the lawn beginning at 5pm. They drink and piacnic until the movie starts at around 8:30pm. I especially love seeing old black and white movies on the big screen; it makes me feel like I’m transported to a different era, before everyone could just watch the movie on their own DVD player.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go, knowing that the movie was so long and I was fighting off sickness. So, I decided to go to the movie and just leave whenever I got too tired. I know this doesn’t sound revolutionary, but it was to me. The idea of leaving before a movie ended, or separate from the people I picnicked with...bizarre. But I did it. Because that is what I wanted. 

Thursday night I drove into New Jersey for my cousin’s engagement party. The plan was to stay in Jersey by the beach after said party and just enjoy a Shabbat with extended family and some downtime. 

My brother, who has been up in New Hampshire all summer working at summerstock, missed the engagement party because he is currently in A Chorus Line. My parents had seen the show during the week. I had sadly accepted the fact that I just wouldn’t be able to make it to this show of my brother’s. It was running only one week. I couldn’t catch a ride with my family to see a weeknight show because of work. I couldn’t get there over the weekend because I was in Jersey with no way to get to Meredith, New Hampshire.

A Chorus Line is such an iconic show, as it is the story of an audition for the chorus of a Broadway show in the 1970s. It so true to life, so deeply moving. Of all the shows my brother was doing this summer it is the one I wanted to see the most and the one it was impossible to get to.

Well, Friday morning my mother (who had been at the party Thursday night) texted me with a proposition. Would I like to ride home with them to Connecticut, take a car, and drive to New Hampshire in time for the 7:30pm show? I had about 15 minutes to decide.

Oh that was so NOT the plan. And my cousin was so excited for me to spend the weekend with her. And I had been looking forward to the beach. And my body was so tired I couldn’t even imagine all of that traveling.

But when I looked ahead to the weekend, and visualized those days, I saw myself in New Hampshire. I saw myself in the audience supporting my brother. So I hopped in the car and began a long day of travel to make it in time to see Joseph in the most important show of his life so far: his first A Chorus Line.

I made it just in time. I had a terrific seat right in front of his spot on the “line.” I cannot even describe how phenomenal he is. The show was amazing and there was a LOT of talent. But to watch my brother do a show he’s dreamed about doing his whole life...it was a gift. 

To watch someone do what they are born to do is a powerful thing. Each time I see him perform, my brother inspires me. And when the cast sang “What I Did For Love” I sobbed in my seat. He does what he does for unbridled love he feels for his craft. I drove 8 hours to get to him because I love my brother. 

My decision was absolutely the right one. I did what I wanted to do, without feeling like I had to follow a plan or live up to the expectations of others. My choice was definitely not a mistake, in fact I changed plans again and instead of driving the leg home to Connecticut on Saturday night, I drove home Sunday morning. 

It felt silly to me to be driving in a car alone when I could watch my brother (and all of my new friends) on stage. Plus, I was having way too much fun spending time with all of the theater kids!

Now I’m home in New York and about ready to pass out. I definitely need my rest, as I start my new job as an Editorial Assistant/Assistant to the Editor-in-Chief of Parents magazine. That was another decision of late: do I stay in my position or do I explore an editorial opportunity? I decided to explore—which really wasn’t a decision—and during the exploration process I had to take an edit test. 

It was while I was completing the tasks for my test that I felt in my gut—yes I have one of those!—that I was doing something that I love. So as I make the move to editorial, I only hope to perform as well as my brother and to continue making choices based on my own logic and my own feelings. 

It was a fantastic weekend, which I only hope foreshadows the coming days. 

If you ever have a problem making a decision, think about what it is you truly want deep down. Don’t think about the pressures of others. Don’t think about expectations. Don’t worry you will make a mistake. In an isolated world, what do you want? What do you see yourself doing?

From what I’ve found, even if you can’t always get what you want...you get what you need.