The Theory of Relativity

Happy Summer everyone!! It is officially post-Memorial Day, which means in real-person world (rather than solar calendar world) it is summer. Toss that cap in the air, be it graduation cardboard or not and smile.

I was home in CT for Memorial Day weekend as it was also the Jewish holiday of Shavuot—the celebration of the giving of the Ten Commandments for those of you who care to note. It was nice to relax with the family after our tour-de-crazy in Vegas. Immediately upon my return, I asked my sister if she had watched this week’s Bachelorette.

Now before you X-out of this week’s post at the mention of The Bachelorette and anything in the vicinity of Chris Harrison and roses, bear with me. Last season with Ben-I-Look-Like-Rafael-Nadal Flajnik was my first season ever and I was not a fan. Addicted, yes. Fan, no. But I was interested to see if I prefer watching 25 guys fight over one potentially put-together woman, rather than 25 girls claw at each other over one useless, blank-staring idiot. (For the record, I do prefer it.)

As my sister and I huddled deep into Bachelorette discussion, my mom rolled her eyes and declared her disgust for the show. In her paraphrased words, “I just think it’s disgusting how she goes off on a date with one guy and totally makes out with him and then turns around and is “in love with” and kissing a completely different guy.” The fact that Emily Maynard bounces around between a pool of men doesn’t sit well with my mom. Yet for some reason, this does not really phase me.

I think the reason it doesn’t bother me so much is that this is what dating is like—at least in a city with as many people as New York. You go out, you meet someone. Two days later, you go out and meet a different someone. Then (potentially) you sit at home comparing them to each other. Who do I like better? Who am I more attracted to? Who treated me nicer? It’s all relative. Sure person #1 might be great, but what if person #2 is better?

Herein lies the difference between our generation compared to our parents’ generation. Relativity. We have the chance to compare our options, and--dissimilar to days of yore--EVERYTHING comes with options. 

(Disclaimer: I’m about to make large generalizations based on my own personal experiences and observations. These are not absolute truths.)

Whereas our parents might have been set up on a date by acquaintances, or met one person at a local bar to go out with, we can go on OkCupid and JDate and Match.com and eHarmony.com, even Facebook, and find five people to go out with at the click of a button.

So is it weird to me that this season’s Bachelorette wants to find what she’s looking for by dating a whole bunch of guys at once and picking the best of the best? No. It seems almost normal.

It seems perfectly practical that rather than date one guy and see how that goes and assess your relationship in steps, a girl would date multiple guys and evaluate each person at the steps along the way. I grew up relying on a strategy of relativity and choosing for the future. I have trouble living in the current moment. 

This theory of relativity carries over into my professional life. I often find myself thinking about my job and what I do day-in and day-out. How is this job getting me to where I’m going? Is it the most productive job I can be in to get me to my ultimate goals? Is there something else I should be doing that will get me farther faster? Can I do better?

Regardless of the answers, the questions are there. My instinct is to compare. I want to know if I am doing my BEST in the BEST job for me. I sit around evaluating myself relative to my friends and co-workers and the paths that society’s most successful people took.

The relativity renders me impatient. I feel anxious to get to a better place, a higher place. In actuality, my situation is fabulous and I am on a productive path. If I would stop comparing for two seconds, I could live in the moment and appreciate what I have qualitatively.

Sometimes I compare and debate and contemplate and wonder "is this better, or that better" way too much. I'm always calculating what will get me where I want to be tomorrow. But the truth is, the question should be: am I happy where I am today?

Our generation lives in a bigger world than my mom's generation. We live in a world of endless choices and increasing accessibility. Want to live abroad? Ok, pick a country. Want to talk to your friends overseas all the time while you're there? Ok, choose a Skype name. Want to know the trendy news topic? Just sign in to Facebook. Now that we are so connected and borderline voyeuristic, we have much more to compare to. It's all relative. But should it be?

I'm an advocate of goals. I'm an advocate of standards. I do not believe in settling romantically, socially or professionally. But there is a difference between settling and allowing yourself to be content in your current place regardless of where others are or where you could be. 

When you come to a big decision, it's important to gather information and discern the best situation. But there is a different between choosing a path at a crossroads and constantly creating crossroads for yourself. It can be necessary to resist that urge to compare. 

Don't think about who deserves the rose. Sometimes it's necessary to just take a breath and be happy where you are.