Am I My Mother?

The old adage goes: “If you want to know what a girl will turn out like, look at her mother.”

Yet if you hear a woman actually talk about her mom you’ll hear: “Don’t ever let me turn out like my mother.”

My mom hits a milestone birthday this week, and it’s made me start thinking about the woman I am apparently destined to become.

It’s easy to find fault with a woman you’ve lived with your entire life. It’s much harder to sit back and realize her gifts. In honor of my mom’s birthday, I decided to do just that.

My mother has an unlimited capacity for caring. If her heart muscle were as large as her “heart,” it would have exploded right out of her chest ages ago. She takes care of everyone, but it’s not just about taking responsibility, it’s that she genuinely cares about the wellbeing of everyone she knows.

From her students to her best friends, from the synagogue congregation to her family, my mother provides a listening ear, a shoulder to lean on and a guiding light. She invests herself in her relationships, giving not just a piece of herself but her whole self. She is never too busy to devote a phone call to a friend who needs to vent. She is never too tired to accommodate that last-minute student who texts at 11pm on Saturday asking for her to meet with them at 9am on Sunday. She devotes herself to their success.

To be honest, my mother doesn’t take care of herself the way she takes care of others. And it’s important to know this so that I “don’t turn out like my mother” who refuses to be selfish, but also so that I do turn out like my mother who characterizes herself by the amount she cares.

My mom’s greatest accomplishment is our family. Bar none. Her commitment to us is never-ending. After 25 years, she still loves my dad completely and unconditionally. In this way, there is no one I would rather turn out like than my mother who has built a marriage that has survived the odds of the divorce rate and unhappiness statistics in this country. She works at it, but she also enjoys all of the time she spends with my dad. I can only hope to be so lucky some day.

She does everything for her kids, no matter how much of a pain in the ass each of us can be. Her patience rarely wavers. Most people are amazed by how close-knit our family is. Not only do we love each other, we all really like each other. In fact, when I am home in Connecticut, I choose to spend my time with my family rather than visiting long lost high school friends. The credit goes to the way my mom raised us and the household she held. I’m not sure what she did…what her secret is. I’m going to have to find out.

Maybe part of it is that we all have fun together. My mom is really fun. Just ask her.

In all seriousness, her enjoyment of friends and music and laughter make her fun. She’s not afraid to talk to anyone, which is why we made friends with the people sitting five inches from us at the Carnegie Deli and the cute guys sitting behind us at the US Open. There is no one I would rather gamble with than my mom. We get on the crap table together and it’s the recipe for a good time. The line between friend and mom blurs from time to time. (Still contemplating if this is how I want to be with my kids). There is the occasional embarrassing moment, but that just reminds me she is, indeed, the mom.

When you first meet her, her strength shields the fun-loving and sensitive Mommy I know. My mom taught me to be strong. To hold on to my beliefs as principles to live by. To be unafraid of the challenges these principles may present—it wasn’t always easy to complete a week’s worth of schoolwork in advance so I could observe Passover or to use practically all of my vacation days for Jewish holidays. She led by example and taught me to be strong.

Now my mom isn’t perfect. There are times when she dwells on problems. There are times when she stresses about things beyond her control. There are times when she pries. There are times when she gives too much.

I think it’s important to look at our parents, not just our mothers, as potential forecasts of our future but not as destinies carved in stone. What do you love about them that you want to emulate? What behavior do you dread repeating? I don’t believe that who you become is as fated as the old adage decrees. And while I am in my 20s and laying the foundation for who I will be when I grow up, it is crucial to realize that we shape ourselves and choose from the models set before us.

We determine if we become our mothers.

For the record, I think the world could use her spirit and generosity.

So I must admit: the woman she is at this milestone is a pretty amazing example to follow. Happy birthday Mommy.